Silence. That’s what I have been feeling from my blog lately. A great, big, looming silence. Wordless, screaming, silent, silence. It has been dodging me, like a basketball player dribbling this way and that, trying to shirk his opponents so he can get to the net, shoot and score. It’s serious business, this blogging gig. This is where my fingers fly across the keys as I feel God’s Spirit moving me, directing me. I do not want to write just anything. I want to write something. I want to write my story so you see God’s story. Because my story only means something when viewed in the light of God’s story, God’s grace, God’s outstretched mercy.
But this week, while my blog was silently screaming accusations of neglect, the life that fuels this blog, my life, was being hit by something more immediate. One of those “things” that makes you stagger, stumble, and if you catch your balance it is only because you are caught in His grace. Each person will have that event, that circumstance or situation that threatens to topple or consume them, where you feel completely out of control or helpless in the face and onslaught of something you dread. My situation brought discouragement. I sat at the kitchen table, wordlessly and heavily lifting each spoonful of supper to my lips, the only sound escaping me the odd, weighted sigh. I do not have a lot of control over this situation. If you had presented this scenario to me in the past, I would have thought that controlling it would be possible. It is not. I tried. At first it seemed to work but now, out of nowhere and for no apparent reason, it is no longer working and I am back to where I began. Only this time it is worse because my illusion of control has been shattered. The realization that this may be a chronic issue is disheartening.
Have you ever been in a situation that you know would have crushed you in the past but instead you realize that you actually have some measure of peace at the same time that the rest of you is freaking out? I remember the first time that ever happened to me. I had experienced a betrayal by a close friend and in the middle of my distress I became aware of a worship song “playing” as it were in my mind. As I inclined my mind to listen to that song I also became aware that God was speaking peace into my heart. The situation had not changed but I knew that God was telling me He was in control and I could trust Him in that situation and with that relationship. Then last year when I found out I had to undergo a complete hysterectomy and that I might have cancerous cells, God gave me another song. The first time, God sang me the song; the second time He was asking me to sing to Him. “Can I have more of You, that’s the cry of my heart, yeah, can I have more of You.” When I think back on this current situation, I can see that God was already speaking to me about it before Christmas. Not in a song this time but He specifically gave me an assurance that I was made for this exact situation. How cool is that? You see God does not want to rescue me out of this situation. He wants to build in me the ability to trust Him, in all things, at all times and to walk by faith and not by sight. (2 Corinthians 5: 7) God does not want me to move and live by what I see but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God. (Deuteronomy 8:3) That means I have to learn to listen to God and not all the other voices that are clamoring for my attention. Each time I choose to listen, each time I choose to hear God’s truth and not swallow the sickly, seductive lies of the enemy, His voice becomes clearer. But I still have to listen. The Lord has a still small voice; remember, He spoke to Elijah not in the wind, not in the earthquake, not in the fire, but in a gentle whisper. (1 Kings 19:12) I love what Pastor Steven Furtick had to say about that whisper: it is because God is so near that He whispers. Beloved, maybe God does not want to take you out of your situation. Maybe He wants you to stand on the promise of His word, to trust and believe that He is who He says He is and He will do what He says He can do. So be still. Hear what you want. Can you hear Him? I can. He is whispering, calling things that are not as though they were. (Romans 4:17)
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8