Oh God How I Need You

You See the Depths of My Heart

I have lost my blogging mojo.  My get up and go.  My motivation.  I think maybe it is frozen beneath the deep blanket of snow that is lying outside our door.

Winter - Nov 2013

I am not lacking in ideas. When I started writing this blog it was so much easier to post about food; I found those posts fast and relatively easy.  It was harder to post faith articles, I felt I really had to struggle with those.  But lately ideas for faith-based posts have been flooding into my mind. I even have a list of half a dozen message titles saved in notes on my iPhone.  Waiting.  I am flagging in the desire to write them down, especially after a long day of work, swimming lessons, making dinner, cleaning up after dinner yet the house not ever being clean, bedtime routines, and then possibly sitting down to write.  I’m not sure if it is the change in season, with its chilly temperatures and lack of day light hours or if it is something more.  Actually, that is not true.  I think I can pin-point it a bit more closely.  I see a pattern.  In my mind I see my life and pursuit of faith like a giant staircase, taking me from one level to another.  I find myself pressing in, seeking, pursuing, searching out God and walking, sometimes running by faith.  I even feel at times that I am soaring.  I hope that my periods of soaring are gaining strength and longevity.  But inevitably I find I hit a bit of a figurative brick wall.  Some challenge, some unexpected turn of events, some concept that I do not quite understand, a perceived discrepancy between Scripture and the outcome of certain life events.  I can’t quite put a finger on it yet but I am starting to see the pattern.  I pick up my faith, pick up the word of God, pray, praise and it is glorious.  God takes me to new places with Him. But then it is almost as if it is too much.  As though I have ran faster than I am ready to into new territory or terrain and I am not quite prepared to be there yet.  I become overwhelmed and I feel like I just cannot do it anymore.  In those times all I want to do is retreat.  I long to be able to stop life for a week and get off.  To just rest, to allow myself to catch up to where I am.  Sadly, I have never found that to be a possibility (if anyone else has, please let me know!).  In these times I question: am I crazy, has God really spoken to me, is He really doing something through and in me – me, so imperfect, so fallible, so full of fault.  Certainly I cannot take the glory for any goodness in me; I am that broken jar of clay, filled with a priceless treasure.  Yet I long to soar again, my wings upheld and strengthened in His hand.  So I take a deep breath, I breathe a little prayer and I ask God to please keep me in this time, until I catch my breath, until I am filled again, with His Spirit and His purpose.  My heart still beats with longing at this thought: “it has yet to be seen what God can do with the man or woman who would give Him all the glory.” Let it be me, Lord, let it be me.

In the meantime, as I write this, I just keep re-playing a Chris Tomlin song I came across this afternoon.

This is my song; in times of joy, in times of trial, in times of confusion, in life.

Here For You

Lord I Need You

Chris Tomlin

 

Lord I come, I confess

Bowing here I find my rest

Without You I fall apart

You’re the one that guides my heart

 

Lord I need You, Oh I need You

Every hour I need You

My one defense, my righteousness

Oh God how I need You

 

Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more

Where grace is found is where You are

And where You are Lord I am free

Holiness is Christ in me

Yes where You are Lord I am free

Holiness is Christ in me

 

Lord I need You, Oh I need You

Every hour I need You

My one defense, my righteousness

Oh God how I need You

 

So teach my song to rise to You

When temptation comes my way

And when I cannot stand I’ll fall on You

Jesus You’re my hope and stay

And when I cannot stand I’ll fall on You

Jesus You’re my hope and stay

 

Lord I need You, Oh I need You

Every hour I need You

My one defense, my righteousness

Oh God how I need You!!!

 

 

 

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About dosedependent

Hello! I'm passionate about my faith in Jesus Christ, eating a whole-foods, plant-based diet and living life with my family in northern Manitoba.
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